Category Archives: Humor

Don’t Pick on Dan Brown, it Hurts His Feelings (via @MichaelPDeacon HT: @alanbaxter)

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I picked on Dan Brown yesterday, so to create some balance I’m linking to this article which defends his writing in the style of his writing (hint: actually, I’m just picking on him twice in a row, but three lefts make a right, so I’ll need to find one more article for next week perhaps).

The critics said his writing was clumsy, ungrammatical, repetitive and repetitive. They said it was full of unnecessary tautology. They said his prose was swamped in a sea of mixed metaphors. For some reason they found something funny in sentences such as “His eyes went white, like a shark about to attack.” They even say my books are packed with banal and superfluous description, thought the 5ft 9in man. He particularly hated it when they said his imagery was nonsensical. It made his insect eyes flash like a rocket.

Read it here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/10049454/Dont-make-fun-of-renowned-Dan-Brown.html

The Eight Worst Sentences in Dan Brown’s Inferno (via @tomchivers HT: @apmd)

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I don’t want to just pick on the immensely successful Dan Brown. It’s a bit gauche. However, someone else did some criticism of some bad writing, which just happened to be in Dan Brown’s new book, and it’s an entertaining read.

It’s important to remember that all of us will write terrible sentences, and occasionally it’s heartening to see that even those of us who sell many many many books are not immune.

And yes, they’re not all single sentences, and no, I haven’t confirmed these are really from the book…in truth, some of them are just too terrible to see print. Take for example the description of this watery cave:

Emerging from the darkness, a scene began to take shape … the interior of a cave … or a giant chamber of some sort. The floor of the cavern was water, like an underground lake.

Read them all here: http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/tomchiversscience/100216857/dan-browns-eight-worst-sentences-in-inferno/

Validate me! (via @susanjmorris)

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Susan Morris tackles the struggle of finding validation for a writer (and by extension motivation):

[T]ragically, for the (particularly unpublished) writer[, a] lot of those opportunities for validation simply aren’t there. There aren’t a ton of milestones, unless you’re forcing your raw, unedited chapters on the unsuspecting—and they are loving them—and that can feel somewhat forced. And if you have artificial milestones in the form of intermittent classroom deadlines, you don’t necessarily have the time to polish a piece until you’re happy with it, and teachers and editors are there to make your writing better, not to let you know what an unequivocal genius you are.

She posits a few tips to get some validation without skewing your entire approach to writing:

  • Remind Yourself of Why You Started
  • Remind Yourself of What You Do Well
  • Focus on the Present (Screw the Past and Forget the Future)
  • Find a Supportive Writing Group

Susan is always a great source of writing advice, so if you want to look deeper into those points, click through here: http://www.omnivoracious.com/2013/02/validation-and-the-writer.html

Harper-Collins CEO says paying for the privilege of bookstore browsing is not an insane concept (HT: @pnpbookseller)

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[SPOILER: It is an insane concept.]

I’ve filed this under humour because frankly it’s too ridiculous to take seriously.

However, this isn’t an article by The Onion, and it’s something the CEO of Harper-Collins said.

HarperCollins c.e.o. Victoria Barnsley has said the idea of the bookshop as a book club, charging for browsing, is “not that insane”, given the level of threat faced by the general bookshop.

I’m no bookseller, but if ‘the level of threat faced by the general bookshop’ is so severe, then putting a pay wall between the customer and the threatened shop isn’t ‘not that insane’. It is, in actual fact, utterly insane.

If someone at the top of a major publishing house is that out of touch with the concept of how shops work, one has to start wondering how out of touch with commercial reality they are in general? Let’s see what this visionary of modern publishing thinks about DRM:

Barnsley said there was a major debate within the industry over DRM, commenting: “If you don’t have it, the risk is that there’s a lot of sharing . . . [but] keeping it on allows retailers like Amazon to continue running their walled gardens which is not a good thing.”

No surprises there.

Let me correct her statement: if you don’t have it, it makes no difference, because every DRM’d eBook is already freely shared. DRM provides no barrier to even the casual computer user frustrated by it. The only thing DRM does is a) waste a publisher’s money b) treat customers as criminals c) allow companies to lock legal customers into their own ecosystems (at least she got that bit right).

Read it and weep: http://www.thebookseller.com/news/barnsley-bookshops-could-charge-browsing.html

What goes through a literary magazine editor’s head when writers don’t follow guidelines? (via: @MsBessieBell)

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This is a little humorous, but vitally important to get into your thick writing heads: ignoring the submission guidelines is like turning up to a job interview in your underpants (ie. there are very few markets that will tolerate it).

Jessica Bell makes 15 points, some of which are sweary, and ends with:

Next time, just remember, you are emailing a person, not a robot, and guidelines are there for a reason. They’re there to ensure everything is done in a time-efficient manner. I want to spend time reading your wonderful work, not wasting time trying to make up for your laziness. If you were in my shoes, I think you would feel this way too.

Remember people: RtFG (Read the Friendly Guidelines). I can’t stress this enough (which is why this is like the third article I’ve posted touching on it). It speaks to professionalism, and it helps keep you in the reading pile, which is the best you can hope for.

Check it out here: http://thealliterativeallomorph.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/what-goes-through-literary-magazine.html

The Up-Goer Five Word Processor (via @theloop)

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This is appropriate considering the post just before this one, relating to the Jane Austin word list.

I love the XKCD cartoon that inspired this, and I love the (utterly frustrating) real world text editor implementation.

Or, rather: I love the first funny pictures that made this happen, and I love the (really annoying) real world word-writing word box that was made from it.

Kill me now…

Can you explain a hard idea using only the ten hundred most used words? It’s not very easy. Type in the box to try it out.

Try it here: http://splasho.com/upgoer5/

21 Lies Writers Tell Themselves (via @brainpicker)

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A tongue-in-cheek list for the writers out there. I particularly like:

9. I don’t need to back up my computer.
10. Publishing this book will change my life.
11. I’m not going to get caught up in all that publicity stuff.
12. I’m only on social media because I have to be to promote X.
13. I’m only going to go on Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr for a few more minutes.

Link: http://exp.lore.com/post/33645576343/21-lies-writers-tell-themselves-1-underwear-is

The 5 Stages of Grief Following the Publication of One’s First Book (via @PublishersWkly HT: @annetreasure)

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Entertaining list of examples covering Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance:

“Hi. I’ve been thinking about what you said and, of course, you’re the publisher, you understand these things, and you’re absolutely right: a story about genetics is fine but we do indeed need a better hook for the paperback. And I think I’ve got one! What this book needs is—wait for it—More Vagina! Attached please find a draft of a new chapter with the working title of ‘DNA And Your Vajayjay.’”

Read them here: http://www.theawl.com/2012/10/the-five-stages-of-grief-following-publication-of-first-book